(CNN MONEY Magazine) — When Kimerby and Tony Simmons were married last month at a vineyard in the foothills outside Atlanta, they participated in the African-American tradition of jumping over a broom – an act symbolizing their entrance into a new phase of life together.

For Tony, 41, this was the second time making such a leap, his previous marriage having ended in divorce. That breakup “put a big dent in my finances,” says the software sales executive. “I thought there was no way I was getting into another relationship.”

But then, on a flight from Chicago to Atlanta, he met Kimberly. And, soon, he fell in love. “It was the flight that changed our lives,” says Kimberly, 39, for whom this is a first marriage.

As they enter this new phase, the Simmonses will face hurdles bigger than that broom, particularly when it comes to their money. Tony enters the union with slightly less in assets than his new wife but far greater financial obligations: With three kids from his first marriage – ages 8, 16, and 21 – he has child support, alimony, and future college bills to pay.

Such financial challenges are typical for second-time-around couples, who often enter into marriage with children to support, not to mention significant income and savings disparities. Additionally, the spouses, often older and more established, may be hesitant about joining financial lives, particularly if money caused tension in their previous relationships. “They’re coming in with baggage,” as financial educator Ruth Hayden, author of “For Richer, Not Poorer,” says bluntly. Those going down the aisle a second time need to unpack these money issues:

With second marriages the stakes may be higher in terms of the assets and liabilities each partner brings. To quell any tensions before they arise, each should prepare a list of what’s owned and owed. Then start the conversation with the obligations: Determine who will be responsible for what. Will you, for example, help tackle your spouse’s debts? In particular, says Hayden, discuss expenses related to children and exes, as these can drive a wedge of resentment between newly reweds. Tony’s planning to pay his child support and alimony from his commissions to keep that obligation separate. Meanwhile Kimberly, a clinical pharmacist, wants to help with college savings: “We’re both committed to doing the best thing for the children.”

Next up: the plus side of your balance sheet. One of the toughest issues couples in second marriages face is how, practically, to marry assets and income. All joint, all separate, or a mix? Most financial pros advise having at least a joint checking account. “It helps you act as a couple with money,” says Hayden. But it needn’t be all or nothing: Kimberly and Tony, for example, will combine some money but also have their own accounts for discretionary spending. Whatever you choose, do develop savings goals together so you have something positive to work toward as a team.

To make sure everyone is provided for after your death, you’ll want to … Revisit beneficiary designations. These trump a will, so be sure your ex spouse isn’t listed on retirement accounts and insurance policies.

Rethink wills.

Be sure to leave money outright to your children from a previous marriage – or they may end up with nothing, depending on the state. If the kids are minors, set up a qualified trust for them (you can place accounts with beneficiary designations under this too), and name a third party as trustee so that there’s no risk your spouse will disinherit them. With other money, you may want to set up a qualified terminable interest property trust (QTIP). That way your spouse can draw income after you die, but what’s left over after his or her death goes to your offspring. Otherwise your partner’s heirs, not yours, could get the money, says estate attorney Charles Pyke Jr. of Stockbridge, Ga.

Consider a prenup. Besides stating how money will be divided in a divorce, a prenuptial agreement can also spell out your estate wishes. And as a bilateral contract, it’s harder to contest than a will. Despite these benefits, Tony and Kimberly chose not to sign a prenup. As she says, “We didn’t want to go into this thinking there was an out.” Fair enough.

More than half of those who remarry decide to fully merge finances. Turns out, the instinct to join may be a good one.

A prenuptial agreement, which couples mainly use to state how money will be divided if the marriage doesn’t work, can cost from $2,000 to $25,000. Is it worth it? Maybe, if you …

1. … have a family business. With a prenup you can cut the spouse out of business appreciation, says attorney Mitchell Karpf. “Otherwise he or she may be entitled to half.”
2. … have vastly more savings than your spouse. If you’d be unhappy splitting assets squarely in the event of a divorce, you may want a prenup to state a different arrangement.
3. … have kids from a previous marriage. A prenup can back up the terms of your will by spelling out the assets that you don’t want your spouse to inherit upon your death.

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Dana and I visited my grandma one Saturday to tell her the news that we were getting married. Grandma was a simple and God-fearing woman. When she learned I was joining the military, she told me not to shoot straight because the best shooters were taken to war first. Grandma listened and congratulated us. She looked at us both and said “There’s nothing like it (marriage) if you have the right one.” After a long pause she continued with “There’s nothing like it if you have the wrong one too”. Two simple statements that pretty much summed up the first secret to marriage: finding the right person – not just anybody – but the right person.

20 Years of Bliss

Finding the right person is easy. Yeah, right. Not that easy. I see TV commercials for X-dating website that compares several compatibility “traits” with other’s to find that right match for your personality. Hey, if it works for you then go for it. For the rest of us, finding a suitable mate for life may be a little harder than completing a questionnaire and submitting it to a computer. Don’t force the issue – you’ll meet someone that is right for you in time but look in the right places. I would urge you to, for lack of a better term, “network” with your family, friends, and co-workers. Prepare yourself for a lot of frogs before you find the right person. One of the frogs may lead you to the right person so take your time. If you go to a bar, then be prepared to find a person who likes to be at a bar.

For each problem you have in a marriage, there will typically be one root cause: control. One of you will seek control, whether subconsciously or consciously, over the other through use of money, sex, or some other available weapon. Momma’s told me several times that marriage is not a contest. I never really understood that until later in life when I found I was attempting to “control” my marriage. It’s not a game to be won or lost. Marriage is not a series of “one ups” or tally marks to count. Marriage is not “I did this for you. What are you going to do for me?” Marriage is compromise. Marriage is analogous to growing vegetables in a garden. The garden must be worked daily to prevent weeds from choking the life out of the harvest. If you give the garden care, love, and nourish it, your garden will be productive. The goal in marriage should be the giving and receiving of unconditional, unqualified love.

I found her need to maintain a separate checkbook had to do with security

Money is the root of all evil. Many spouses will argue routinely over the lack of money, how money is spent, how money is saved, who makes too little money, who makes too much money, etc. Money will add undue stress upon a marriage if you allow it. I asked Dana before our marriage to identify which checking account she would like to use as a consolidated account for our new family. She said “Both. I’m using my checking account and you are using your checking account.” Initially I was taken aback until we discussed it. Dana’s first husband did not manage money well and would leave her to “figure it out” when it came time to pay the bills at the end of month. After our discussion I found her need to maintain a separate checkbook had to do with security.  I was willing to lower my pride to seek a resolution in which we could both be happy. Our solution was simple. We both maintained our credit cards and other banking accounts. I added her to my account and she added me to her’s. We divided our monthly bills according to percentage of money earned. For example, if Dana earned 45% of the total monthly net household income, then she paid 45% of the total bills. Likewise, if I made 55% of the total monthly net household income, I paid 55% of the total household bills. As screwy as it sounds, it worked! Dana and I have never argued over money and there’s been less than 3 times in 20 years we’ve even borrowed money from one another. I highly recommend it.

Working together can be the next biggest pitfall or the lack thereof.  Everyone in the household must work to keep it going.  I came home one night after work when Jake, our son, was about 1 year old. I promptly went to our bedroom and changed clothes. I proceeded to plop my big butt down on the couch and watch the 6 PM news. Dana was in the kitchen preparing our dinner and Jake was in his high-chair eating his dinner and throwing it about. Dana came over to me calmly and asked me how my day went. I started listing a long line of problems and issues and finished by declaring my need for rest. She looked at me and asked “When do I rest?” I am ashamed to say that never crossed my mind. It hit me like a brick. I immediately got up and began working. I wasn’t helping Dana. We were working together – there’s a difference. “Helping Dana” infers that it is her work to complete rather than “our” work to complete. That was a valuable lesson. She had worked all day just like I did. She had the same important issues at her work. I was blind to my family’s needs. After I realized how selfish I was being, life changed for the better and we both enjoyed working together.

Parenting is difficult as well.  Again, Dana and I went back to grandma’s house to tell her we were going to have a baby.  She congratulated us and then gave us 2 pieces of advise.  First, she warned us  to never promise a child anything we did not have the power or willingness to give or provide.  “How you deal with promises teaches your child something about you” she said.  She went on to say a child never forgets unfulfilled promises.  A child must be secure in knowing your word is true.  Next she told us never to act alone to discipline or decide something major without mother and father first agreeing on the outcome.  Never show a child you disagree with each other over anything.  A unified front is always best – solve your differences away from the children.

Another trouble area for some couples is sex. Let me start this conversation by saying I am not God’s gift to the world concerning sex at all. Just like any other problem area, there are root causes that can be addressed and overcome. I think good marital relations in the bedroom begin with honesty. Being honest with your spouse and knowing each other well enough to share openly about anything is the key. After 20 years there’s not much that can be done differently or even better. I can tell you that sex is important, but its not the main ingredient for a great marriage.

Over the years our marital priorities change. Oh how difficult it would be if my priorities were totally opposite from Dana’s. If that were the case, our marriage would be characterized by working to accomplish different goals, wasting our resources, and disagreement. Understand “things change”. By that I mean our priorities change. In the beginning, priorities tend to be more aligned along individual career paths. Starting a family rearranges priorities to achieve economic goals for college savings or the purchase of a home. When the children begin college, our priorities begin to focus on how to retire comfortably. All along this journey, spouses should be talking to each other.

• Identify and agree on your family priorities
• Make plans on how to attain the results you desire and when
• Put your plans into action
• Review your priorities annually on your anniversary and make necessary revisions or changes

While this seems simple enough to do, many couples never discuss the future. Many couples never implement any plans and time slowly slips away until its too late. Couples working toward achieving the same goals have a central, common focus.  Couples working for totally different goals are not working together – they’re working for themselves.

There are many more secrets to a happy marriage. Those discussed here are the “majors” – the issues that cause most of the problems. If you will embrace these ideas and treat your marriage as a bond of equals with the respect you both deserve, marriage will be fun. That’s not to say your marriage will be problem-free. It means you’ve identified some issues that could be pitfalls and you are working to avoid my mistakes.

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Communication is critical to the success of a marriage. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable. Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.

Circles of Gold Symbolizing Endless Love

If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each others points of view.

If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage. The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isnt enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns. While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage. Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage. This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage.

“both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working”

Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure. A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage. When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair. Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members. Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts.

Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married. Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of lifes experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.

Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married. This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages. With so little value placed on marriage in todays society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.

Many marriages today are doomed before they even start. Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.

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