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Unhappy in Marriage?
I’ve been married for almost 20 years to Dana, the most wonderful person imaginable. She’s my friend. I share everything with her. During our marriage I’ve learned some valuable lessons, made mistakes, laughed a lot, and cried some too. Time is such a cruel teacher. There are several secrets to a long and happy marriage. My only regret after 20 years of marriage is that I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I would have listened more and worked harder.
Dana and I visited my grandma one Saturday to tell her the news that we were getting married. Grandma was a simple and God-fearing woman. When she learned I was joining the military, she told me not to shoot straight because the best shooters were taken to war first. Grandma listened and congratulated us. She looked at us both and said “There’s nothing like it (marriage) if you have the right one.” After a long pause she continued with “There’s nothing like it if you have the wrong one too”. Two simple statements that pretty much summed up the first secret to marriage: finding the right person – not just anybody – but the right person.
20 Years of Bliss
Finding the right person is easy. Yeah, right. Not that easy. I see TV commercials for X-dating website that compares several compatibility “traits” with other’s to find that right match for your personality. Hey, if it works for you then go for it. For the rest of us, finding a suitable mate for life may be a little harder than completing a questionnaire and submitting it to a computer. Don’t force the issue – you’ll meet someone that is right for you in time but look in the right places. I would urge you to, for lack of a better term, “network” with your family, friends, and co-workers. Prepare yourself for a lot of frogs before you find the right person. One of the frogs may lead you to the right person so take your time. If you go to a bar, then be prepared to find a person who likes to be at a bar.
For each problem you have in a marriage, there will typically be one root cause: control. One of you will seek control, whether subconsciously or consciously, over the other through use of money, sex, or some other available weapon. Momma’s told me several times that marriage is not a contest. I never really understood that until later in life when I found I was attempting to “control” my marriage. It’s not a game to be won or lost. Marriage is not a series of “one ups” or tally marks to count. Marriage is not “I did this for you. What are you going to do for me?” Marriage is compromise. Marriage is analogous to growing vegetables in a garden. The garden must be worked daily to prevent weeds from choking the life out of the harvest. If you give the garden care, love, and nourish it, your garden will be productive. The goal in marriage should be the giving and receiving of unconditional, unqualified love.
I found her need to maintain a separate checkbook had to do with security
Money is the root of all evil. Many spouses will argue routinely over the lack of money, how money is spent, how money is saved, who makes too little money, who makes too much money, etc. Money will add undue stress upon a marriage if you allow it. I asked Dana before our marriage to identify which checking account she would like to use as a consolidated account for our new family. She said “Both. I’m using my checking account and you are using your checking account.” Initially I was taken aback until we discussed it. Dana’s first husband did not manage money well and would leave her to “figure it out” when it came time to pay the bills at the end of month. After our discussion I found her need to maintain a separate checkbook had to do with security. I was willing to lower my pride to seek a resolution in which we could both be happy. Our solution was simple. We both maintained our credit cards and other banking accounts. I added her to my account and she added me to her’s. We divided our monthly bills according to percentage of money earned. For example, if Dana earned 45% of the total monthly net household income, then she paid 45% of the total bills. Likewise, if I made 55% of the total monthly net household income, I paid 55% of the total household bills. As screwy as it sounds, it worked! Dana and I have never argued over money and there’s been less than 3 times in 20 years we’ve even borrowed money from one another. I highly recommend it.
Working together can be the next biggest pitfall or the lack thereof. Everyone in the household must work to keep it going. I came home one night after work when Jake, our son, was about 1 year old. I promptly went to our bedroom and changed clothes. I proceeded to plop my big butt down on the couch and watch the 6 PM news. Dana was in the kitchen preparing our dinner and Jake was in his high-chair eating his dinner and throwing it about. Dana came over to me calmly and asked me how my day went. I started listing a long line of problems and issues and finished by declaring my need for rest. She looked at me and asked “When do I rest?” I am ashamed to say that never crossed my mind. It hit me like a brick. I immediately got up and began working. I wasn’t helping Dana. We were working together – there’s a difference. “Helping Dana” infers that it is her work to complete rather than “our” work to complete. That was a valuable lesson. She had worked all day just like I did. She had the same important issues at her work. I was blind to my family’s needs. After I realized how selfish I was being, life changed for the better and we both enjoyed working together.
Parenting is difficult as well. Again, Dana and I went back to grandma’s house to tell her we were going to have a baby. She congratulated us and then gave us 2 pieces of advise. First, she warned us to never promise a child anything we did not have the power or willingness to give or provide. “How you deal with promises teaches your child something about you” she said. She went on to say a child never forgets unfulfilled promises. A child must be secure in knowing your word is true. Next she told us never to act alone to discipline or decide something major without mother and father first agreeing on the outcome. Never show a child you disagree with each other over anything. A unified front is always best – solve your differences away from the children.
Another trouble area for some couples is sex. Let me start this conversation by saying I am not God’s gift to the world concerning sex at all. Just like any other problem area, there are root causes that can be addressed and overcome. I think good marital relations in the bedroom begin with honesty. Being honest with your spouse and knowing each other well enough to share openly about anything is the key. After 20 years there’s not much that can be done differently or even better. I can tell you that sex is important, but its not the main ingredient for a great marriage.
Over the years our marital priorities change. Oh how difficult it would be if my priorities were totally opposite from Dana’s. If that were the case, our marriage would be characterized by working to accomplish different goals, wasting our resources, and disagreement. Understand “things change”. By that I mean our priorities change. In the beginning, priorities tend to be more aligned along individual career paths. Starting a family rearranges priorities to achieve economic goals for college savings or the purchase of a home. When the children begin college, our priorities begin to focus on how to retire comfortably. All along this journey, spouses should be talking to each other.
- Identify and agree on your family priorities
- Make plans on how to attain the results you desire and when
- Put your plans into action
- Review your priorities annually on your anniversary and make necessary revisions or changes
While this seems simple enough to do, many couples never discuss the future. Many couples never implement any plans and time slowly slips away until its too late. Couples working toward achieving the same goals have a central, common focus. Couples working for totally different goals are not working together – they’re working for themselves.
There are many more secrets to a happy marriage. Those discussed here are the “majors” – the issues that cause most of the problems. If you will embrace these ideas and treat your marriage as a bond of equals with the respect you both deserve, marriage will be fun. That’s not to say your marriage will be problem-free. It means you’ve identified some issues that could be pitfalls and you are working to avoid my mistakes.
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